


i can save myself (can i?)

by TomThomas101



Series: helping you from a mile away [1]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, Heavy Angst, Mentions of Suicide, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Whump, angst with a (mostly) happy ending, anonymus notes, maybe some physical as well though, mental whump not physical, saving someone's life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-18
Updated: 2019-02-18
Packaged: 2019-10-30 20:03:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17835251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TomThomas101/pseuds/TomThomas101
Summary: 'You have done so many good things in your lifetime. Don’t just focus on the bad.'It's the note that sparks a flame of hope in a long-forgotten hearth. It's the note that brings purpose back into his life. It's the note that could either be his savior or his destruction. Now he just has to work out which.





	i can save myself (can i?)

**Author's Note:**

> Just a brief trigger warning: there are mentions of suicide but not in any detail and the character doesn't go through with it. It will probably be mentioned multiple times so just putting out a warning now that refers to all the books in the series.
> 
> Also, if anyone's willing to beta for this series, shoot me an email at larat9999@gmail.com. Anyone is welcome :)

Tony Stark sat down on the Brooklyn Bridge the night after the Battle of New York. All the other Avengers had gone back to where ever they lived now that the Tower had to undergo the numerous renovations. 

Tony wasn’t sure what he was doing on the bridge. It was a place he used to come when he was younger and came to New York with his father. When he needed a break from home, he would come to the bridge. It was close enough that his mother could easily grab him if she had need of him but far enough away that his father would never find him.

He hadn’t come back since the week after his parents died. Tony was only just starting to recover for the shock of his parents sudden deaths but he had come to the bridge to escape from all the publicity waiting for him back at the Tower. 

Sitting on the bridge, he had come to the realisation that now his parents were gone, he no longer had need of the bridge. It was a startling and somewhat unwelcome realisation but Tony had come to discover that now that he was free, the bridge only served to bring back bad memories. He couldn’t live in the past and so he made a vow. That day would be the last he would spend on the bridge. 

Until this day, he had kept that promise and had moved on with his life, forgetting what used to be his lifeline. It was only now that he dangled his legs off the edge and listened to the noise of the traffic behind him, that he realised how much he had missed it. 

The bridge had always had some sort of calming effect on him. Tony wasn’t sure how to give it justice but the constant noise of the traffic combined with the gentle lapping of the waves beneath him brought together the two parts of him. 

Because of his work, Tony mainly operated in the city and the traffic was retrospective of the noise that was a constant part of New York City. The almost non-existent lapping of the waves in the river below was a part of himself that had almost been forgotten with time. When Tony had been younger, his mother had taken him way for weekends to go hiking. It was one of the only times he had any alone time with her and Tony had grown to cherish those rare moments. 

He still wasn’t sure what he was doing there but he was relaxed enough to close his eyes and lean backwards onto the beam behind him. Tony’s stomach rumbled distantly but he ignored it. He wasn’t ready to see the Avengers again. Not yet. 

The way Captain America looked him creeped him out. It was obvious the man was reminded of Howard Stark when he looked at Tony. Logically, Tony knew he should talk to the Captain and confront the issue but that wasn’t what Tony Stark was known for. He had a reputation of hiding behind his problems with booze and sex for a reason. He much preferred to run from his issues that confront them full on.

There was so much unresolved tension between the two, with Tony reminding Steve of one of the last pieces of the past he so longed to return to and Tony being reminded of the way Howard had ignored him, his own son, in favour of a frozen war hero from the 70s. It wasn’t fair to blame Steve for Howard’s mistakes but he wasn’t thinking rationally. 

And on top of all that, Tony didn’t even know if he was an Avenger. He had originally been brought on with SHIELD as a consultant but when Coulson came and asked Tony to team up with the others, he had automatically assumed he was in. But what if that wasn’t the case?

He knew better than most that most SHIELD dealings were shady. They weren’t afraid to use loopholes and manipulate people into doing what they wanted. Is that what had happened to Tony? He had never officially been asked to join them, he had just assumed he was in. 

Tony brought his head down into his hands. The not knowing was killing him in more ways than one. If he wasn’t an Avenger than why were they keeping him around? Was it just for his money? Is that all they thought he was good for?

He sighed. It was, wasn’t it? He was an arrogant, stubborn playboy. It was a mask built to defend himself but it ended up hurting other people. Other people he cared about. He would say something stupid and they would get offended. The only thing the mask did was hurt both himself and other people. 

He used humour to break up tension and stress but he almost always ended up offending someone. Apparently his sense of humour was too morbid. But what else could he joke about? Tony had grown up around death. His father made weapons built to kill and taught his son. It was only when he created Iron Man that Tony began to understand how to use his skills to help rather than to harm. 

But other people didn't know this. They didn't know how hard it was to forget everything he had been brought up to believe. Everything he had ever known. They didn't know how hard it was to remake yourself from scratch. 

They didn’t know, so he could forgive them. He only wanted to make other people happy. He stopped making jokes. 

But then people started asking him what was wrong. The media started speculating what had caused the great Tony Stark to fall into depression. He could never make everyone happy, no matter how hard he tried. Someone always ended up getting hurt. 

He gazed down into the steel-grey waters. It would be so easy to just let go and jump. All his problems would fade away. In that moment, it seemed like the perfect solution. He stood up and mentally braced himself for the freezing cold water. He withdrew one hand from where it had been clutching the bridge. He was so close to being free. Free from everything that had been holding him down for so long. He deserved it, didn’t he?

But in that instant of hesitation, reality came rushing back to him. 

Pepper. He couldn’t leave Pepper. He loved her so much. Tony hoped she knew that. He knew he wasn’t the best at expressing emotions. Hell, he was the King of Emotionally Constipated. She was already way to good for him. He couldn't let her down even more than he already had. 

And Peter, oh god Peter. The kid looked up to him as a mentor, as a hero. Tony didn’t think he could ever live up to the kid’s expectations. He loved the kid like he was his own but Stark men weren’t made to be fathers. Howard was a prime example of what happened when they tried. Sometimes it was just better to keep his distance from the kid and damn the consequences. A few days of hurt was better and a lifetime of it. 

Rhodey… If Rhodey found out what he was thinking about doing, he would kill him. Rhodey kill him, not the other way around. Rhodey was the one who had stood by him ever since he attended MIT. Ever since he was fifteen. He had put up with all his bullshit and still stayed with him when no one else did. Tony would never be able to repay him for that. 

Tony glanced down at the water, torn. There were a few excellent reasons for him to stay but many reasons to go. How was he supposed to know which was the best way to go? 

Tony smiled grimly, still staring down at the water. He certainly wasn’t in the best headspace for making these kinds of decisions but then again, if he was, he wouldn’t have to make them in the first place. 

Just then a small scrap of paper materialised into his hand. Tony stared at it in shock. How did the paper just appear? Paper didn’t do that! It was impossible. Slowly, carefully, he un-scrunched the scrap and squinted in an attempt to read it in the dim light.

You have done so many good things in your lifetime. Don’t just focus on the bad. 

Tony stared at the piece of paper somewhat bemusedly. There wasn’t really anything to say in answer to that. It was almost if the person who had wrote it could read his mind. Ordinarily, Tony might have pinned this on Rhodey but he had done everything in his power to keep the darkest of his thoughts away from his best friend. He didn’t deserve to be burdened with them. 

Sighing, he tilted his head back and resumed his prior position of leaning against the cold, metal beam behind him. Tony closed his eyes and slowly relaxed. He didn’t know why but having no vision often made his thoughts seem more coherent. It was his go to when life got to stressful. 

He couldn’t leave without a goodbye. He owed them all at least that. The bridge wasn’t going anyway, he could always come back another time.

Tony smiled a morbid smile. This whole situation seemed strangely reminiscent of the palladium poisoning. Making plans to say goodbye to his loved ones, thinking about the best way to wrap up his affairs and split all his things between everyone. He did learn from the last time though. He’d have to be a lot more subtle now that they knew his warning signs. 

Suppressing a shiver, he opened his eyes and wrapped his arms around himself. Now that Tony had made his decision, he should start heading back before the others started worrying about him. Tony stood up and bend backwards, hearing his back give a satisfied crack in response. 

Tony caught a flicker of movement out of the corner of his eyes and spun around to see what had attracted his attention. A brunette girl was lowering herself onto a bench on the Manhattan side of the river. She looked to be in her late teens and was pulling out a few textbooks. Tony momentarily wondered why she was studying in such a strange place but brushed the though aside as none of his business. 

His breath caught in his throat as a vision flashed in front of his eyes. 

Tony was fifteen and sitting in the very same spot, a textbook and notebook laid out in front of him. He had just been accepted into MIT and Howard had spent the whole morning ranting about how Tony was sub-par and would surely fail. Just after saying that, he had rounded on his son and raised his fist threateningly. 

”If you dare to fail… You know what will happen boy.” 

School hadn’t even started yet and already Tony was decked out with all of his textbooks and told to memorise all the material before the holidays ended. Even for someone with Tony’s memory, it was impossible and Howard knew that. He just wanted an excuse to hurt his son. 

His eyes stayed locked on the brunette girl as the memories played in his mind. His subconscious had blocked the memories out of self-preservation back when he was younger and it was only now that they were rising, unbidden to the surface. 

Tony gave a self-deprecating laugh as he started coming back to himself. Of course it was the innocent image of a girl studying on a bench that triggered the flashback. It couldn’t be something more… more anything! Most times Tony has flashbacks, they are triggered by events that are more monuments so he can normally see them coming. This time, it took him by surprise and there was nothing Tony Stark hated more than surprises. 

The girl must have sensed someone watching her as she chose that moment to raise her head and Tony brought himself out of his reverie to observe her. She looked around, her eyes narrowed before she spotted him. 

Tony supposed he could understand. After all, the neighbourhood the brunette was currently sitting in was not one of New York’s finest. It was sad, but she had reason to be cautious.

She caught sight of him staring at her from his lonely position atop the bridge and gave him a wistful smile. Tony frowned. What was that supposed to mean? Did she recognise him? His gut was telling him that there was more to this girl than meets the eye but Tony’s curiosity wasn’t satisfied. 

He was brought out of his internal monologue by the girl starting to fade away. Tony scrubbed furiously at his eyes, wondering if tiredness was making him go a bit blind but the girl kept getting blurrier and blurrier until there was nothing left of her. It was like she had never been there. Maybe she had just been a figment of his imagination and had never been there in the first place. Tony didn’t know but it didn’t seem like he’d be finding out anytime soon. 

Sighing, he slowly stood up but as he turned to face the city, Tony saw a piece of paper flutter down to the ground. It was the scrap that had materialised in his hand earlier. He cast on last look over to the bench before folding the paper into quarters and placing it into his pocket. Tearing his gaze back to the bridge, he started the long walk home.


End file.
